


Golden Boy

by TheVagabondGod



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Anorexia, Bulimia, Canon-Typical Violence, Depression, Eating Disorders, F/M, Fake AH Crew, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Female Character, Trans Jack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-12-02
Packaged: 2018-08-09 09:09:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7795789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheVagabondGod/pseuds/TheVagabondGod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He's the golden boy.<br/>He's aware that he should be stronger.<br/>It's hard to feel strong with blood dripping down your chin.<br/>Gavin tries to wipe the blood away, but only smears it across his face, pale bony hand coming away with it's knuckles decorated in his blood."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Virulent Tar](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6666256) by [UNICORNZWAG](https://archiveofourown.org/users/UNICORNZWAG/pseuds/UNICORNZWAG). 



He's the golden boy.  
He's aware that he should be stronger.  
It's hard to feel strong with blood dripping down your chin.  
Gavin tries to wipe the blood away, but only smears it across his face, pale bony hand coming away with it's knuckles decorated in his blood.  
Today had been stressful, not that his crew knew.  
He kept his perfect masks up.  
To everyone they encounter, he's smooth, he's charismatic.  
'Gav!'  
Geoff is looking for him.  
Not surprising.  
They expect him to be nearby, happy, and bouncing about.  
They act as if his perfect golden boy mask is the only mask, unaware the happy lad act is just another mask.  
At night he's unable to hold any mask up at all.  
Gavin uses a rag to wipe the blood of his face, washing his hands and checking his teeth for blood.  
He's tempted to wash his teeth again, unsure if the smell of blood and vomit has been washed away.  
Leaving the bathroom he bumps into Ryan, the older male is easily much heavier than Gavin, they both quickly apologize to each other anyway, but Ryan pauses.  
Gavin is shocked into stillness as Ryan raises one hand, and wipes something from the corner of Gavin's mouth with one steady thumb, 'Is that blood?'  
The Brit is too baffled to respond.  
'Probably fell on his ridiculous big nose again,' Michael interrupts them with a laugh.  
It's easy to lie and pretend his nose bleeds are a result of his own clumsiness.  
Gavin laughs it off and follows Michael into the living area, already mentally putting his mask on.  
'Gavin fell on his stupid nose again,' announces Michael to Geoff, Geoff chuckles and takes a swig of his drink.  
There's no doubt in Gavin's mind that Geoff is at least mildly drunk.  
The older male loops one arm over Gavin's shoulders, tugging him in close, 'You're alright, you fool,' the drunk informs him.  
A quick glance at the clock tells Gavin it's late, he's surprised Geoff is still here, Geoff doesn't typically stay in the penthouse with them, preferring to spend the nights with his wife.  
Geoff seems to notice this, 'Yeah, I was just about to head out, wanted to say goodbye to my little gavvy-wavvy,' he ruffles Gavin's hair with the hand that isn't over the lad's shoulders, 'Griffon wanted me to invite you over for the night.'  
The Ramsey's still viewed Gavin as their sort-of son ever since taking him in when he was a teen.  
'No thanks, tell Grif I said hi, I'm going to work on the system firewall,' explained Gavin with a grin, 'I also really want to take a crack at hacking the presidents twitter.'  
Ray rolled his eyes from where he was perched in front of the TV, he'd been working on one achievement for the last few hours, but apparently was bothered by this fact, at his feet Jeremy was perched, seeming far too interested in the very little progress Ray was making.  
'Alright, call me if you need anything,' Geoff hugs Gavin closer for a moment before releasing him and heading for the door, he pauses at the door to call out a goodbye to Jack before leaving.  
Gavin silently retreats back to his room, unwilling to hold up his little act for much longer.  
He's honestly just tired, that morning they'd met up with another Crew, negotiating some sort of alliance. The Fake Achievement Hunter crew was strong alone, of course, but Geoff felt it was time they built some bonds with other crews in the city.  
None of the others had protested this, and as the usual face of the crew, it was up to Gavin to talk, Geoff at one side, and Ryan over his shoulder looking vaguely threatening.  
After that they had hit up a bank, it had been a relatively difficult heist, Gavin had almost blown himself up with a grenade, luckily Michael had been fast thinking.  
No doubt the crew would be staying low for a while after that one.  
With a sigh, Gavin flopped onto his bed, intent on sleeping.


	2. Chapter 2

  
  
Sleep had been hard to get.   
And even when he woke the next morning, he still felt like he had gotten next to no sleep.  
He could feel Jack's hand in his own as they ambled down the street, Michael leading the way, Ryan and Ray at their heels.  
Ray had insisted that they didn't have enough snacks, and decided they needed to go as a group to get some, arguing that this way they'd be able to carry more.  
As they had left the building, Gavin had slipped his hand into Jack's, she hadn't protested.  
They entered the grocery store, Ray making a beeline for the energy drink.  
Ryan seemed more interested in the diet coke, while Gavin pulled Jack over to the biscuits.  
'If we stole a trolley, we could get several boxes with less effort.' Micheal is leaned over Ray, voice low.  
Ray nods in agreement as Michael retrieves a trolley from the entrance of the store.  
Gavin finds himself being picked up and dumped in the trolley, he squawks in protest, but he doesn't really mind, he'd been feeling a little dizzy anyway.  
'I'll get Geoff's booze,' says Jack, wandering out of their sight.  
Hanging over the edge of the trolley, Gavin points out things he wants and Ryan pushes the trolley about.  
'Move your face, Gavvy,' says Michael, rejoining them, his arms full of boxes.  
'But Micool, my Rye-bread was being all lovely,' protests Gavin as he climbs out of the trolley.  
Michael shrugs this comment off as he puts the boxes in, Ray joining him with his arms full of chips.  
Jack returned, loading more things into the trolley before taking it to pay, the others leaving to wait outside.  
No one stops Jack as she leaves with the trolley, content smile on her face as she sees her boys waiting for her.  
'This is so great,' comments Ray as he shoves a handful of chips into his mouth.  
For a moment, Gavin sees black dots, he almost stumbles but manages to stop himself, his eyes meet Ryan's as he rights himself, the taller male looks vaguely amused, raising an eyebrow in silent question.  
In return, Gavin raises one thumb up.  
'Geoff should be in by now,' notes Jack, checking her watch, 'Ryan, you're heading to a meeting with him later?'  
'Jeremy, too.' Ryan confirms, his gaze flitting back to Gavin for a moment before settling on Jack.  
'Oh,' gasps Gavin as his vision blurs out and her staggers, he's surprised to feel an arm across the front of his shoulders, preventing him from dropping to the ground.  
It's Ryan's low voice he hears when someone finally speaks, 'You're all right buddy.'  
Before Gavin is entirely sure he's upright, there's hands on his hips and he's being picked up, slung over one of Ryan's shoulders.  
Jack's face is all he can see from where he's now perched, she looks concerned, 'Are you alright, Gavin?'  
Gavin nods and raises one thumb in confirmation, 'Course, didn't mean to worry you, Jack, must have forgotten brekkie.'  
The red haired female only sighs in response, 'We'd better get this trolley home.'  
'Are you alright to carry him, Ryan?' asks Jack, still looking vaguely concerned.  
'Gavin weighs 100 pounds wet, I'm good,' assures Ryan.  
Michael immediately moves to walk behind Ryan so he can converse with Gavin as they walk, Ray at his side, DS in hand.  
'How's the view up there, boi?' asks Michael, looking amused.  
'Tippy toppers, Micool, almost like the view from the penthouse!'  
Ray snorts loudly then goes cross-eyed in confusion at the realization he's just snorted out energy drink.  
Jack looks mildly disgusted, but her gaze is warm as she pulls a tissue out of her purse and hands it over to Ray.  
'Ew, that looks wicked gross,' Gavin covers his eyes with both hands, he can still feel one of Ryan's arms wrapped over him, holding him in place, he'd complain about Ryan's shoulder digging into his stomach, but he's unsure if he could finish the walk home.  
They arrive at the elevator and come to agree that Jack can take the trolley up in it, and the rest of them will take the stairs.  
Gavin silently gloats over the fact he doesn't have to walk up the stairs, making Michael stick his middle finger up at the Brit.  
'Micoooool,' whines Gavin, 'that's awfully rude of you.'  
'I will drop you if you do that in my ear again,' threatens Ryan, but he can't hide the slight tone of amusement to his voice.  
In response, Gavin squawks indignantly.


	3. Chapter 3

There's something sickening about it.  
Of course there's something sickening about it.  
It's all sickening.  
A stomach pushed to it's limits, feeling swollen with food.  
The sick mixed in with blood feels like tar on his lips.  
His skin feels sticky with sweat.  
Gavin wonders if one day he'll die alone in this bathroom.  
He wonders how long it would take for anyone to realize.  
It couldn't take days. Someone would want to use the bathroom.  
Would his body be cold by time he was found?  
Perhaps.  
He's aware his hands are shaking.  
He's slow to move, tapping out a slow rhythm against his collar bone, the bone is sharp, jutting through his skin.  
It's a comfort, a sick comfort, and Gavin wants nothing more to be the Golden Boy that his crews always seen him as, not this sick . . .thing.  
Someone's drumming a fist against the door, they don't sound impatient, but insistent.  
'Are you nearly done in there?' Jack's voice calls.  
Gavin thinks for a moment, of how much Jack's voice used to sound like Ryan's, the pair couldn't be mistaken now.  
'Give me a minute,' he croaks back.  
He hears feet shuffling, Jack he's assume, waiting.  
He's already flushed the toilet, he gulps a few mouthful of water from the tap, splashes his face, feels the stickiness of sweat in his hair.  
At least the water feels good.  
'Are you okay?' asks Jack when Gavin opens the door.  
'Yeah,' Gavin's face cracks open in a smile as he passes Jack, his smile feels cracked at least.  
Jack doesn't look convinced, but she disappears into the bathroom with a quiet, 'If you're sure.'  
His tank top clings to the juts of his hips, he can feel sweat on his stomach.  
He feels disgusting.  
He waits for someone to voice their thoughts, to call out, complain that a certain food is gone.  
Already Gavin is unsure what he had eaten to provoke this purge.  
Everything he supposes.  
He waits for someone to notice the absence of everything Gavin ate, for the white-hot shame to rise up in his throat, for his head to ache with how much he hates himself.  
What good is a golden boy if blood like tar leaks from his lips?


	4. Chapter 4

They're all aware of how depressed Jack gets during certain seasons, of how she struggles to get out of bed during those months.  
And they're all aware of Ray's general depression, and tendency to towards suicidal thoughts.  
Of how sometimes Ryan gets lost in the crazy murderer he portrays himself to be.  
Gavin knows, that he can never tell any of them how much he hates himself.  
He can never quite get the words out, tell them how he feels empty all the time, so he tries to fill the void with food, he shovels more and more in, until he might burst.  
Then he hits eject, and somehow, the way his head feels after he's done, it's good.  
He needs that.  
Gavin could never tell them how now, sometimes when he eats, he can't stop eating, or when he can stop eating, it doesn't matter how little he ate, he has to get it out.  
Today, Gavin was following up on a promise.  
Days earlier, he'd promised to go shopping with Jack, Michael and Ray.  
Gavin himself could use some new clothing, Summer is coming, and most of his clothes are worn to threads.  
Save for those he uses to act as the perfect golden boy.  
Currently he's dressed well, hair styled into a perfect mess, wearing large golden sunglasses.  
The glasses look tacky, and they are.  
They're just simple black sunglasses that he'd use golden spray-paint to paint them gold.  
Jack had assisted him in this, showed him how he needed to put tape over the glass of them while painting the rims.  
Jack was looking at shirts, and disappointingly, they were Hawaiian shirts, pretty much the only kind of shirt she ever wore.  
She was wearing one now, along with white shorts.  
Michael was over by the leather jackets, admiring a brown one, while Ray stood at his side, idle.  
It was something they had all eventually fallen into doing.  
In moments of inactivity, they'd simply go idle, standing still, doing nothing.  
Gavin wasn't sure he liked it, how they'd all started doing it.  
Lately it seemed Michael did it less often of late, he'd started seeing one of the back up members of their crew, Lindsay, and as far as Gavin could tell, Lindsay was good for Michael.  
Gavin himself wandered over to inspect the tank tops, something that would be thin, good for hotter weather.  
'This green one is nice,' noted Jack, joining Gavin, she lightly touches a dark green tank top to point it out to Gavin, 'It looks like it'd go well with your eyes.'  
In reply, Gavin almost snorts, 'How is it, you can find nice things for others, but still wear those shitty shirts?'  
Jack laughed, everyone adored her laugh, loud and booming, undoubtedly happy.  
She had an armful of shirts, and now seemed interested in some shorts she could see.  
'Ew, Dad jeans,' noted Michael, holding up a pair.  
Immediately he had Jack's attention, and the red head went over to join him, 'Ryan might like those, you know how he is.'  
Gavin followed after her, 'He's going to ruin the crews image with those awful dad jeans,' he whined.  
'He won't, boi, he has his better jeans for heists,' remarks Michael, wrapping an arm around Gavin's neck and pulling him closer while Gavin squawked.  
Michael laughed, ruffling Gavin's hair before releasing him.  
The blond almost looked offended, tidying his hair, 'Why would my boi mess my hair up like that, I worked so hard on it.'  
Ray rolled his eyes, 'Are we almost done here?'  
'Yeah,' Jack confirmed, 'I'll pay, then we could go pick up something for lunch?'  
The others quickly agreed, eager for take out food.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to bring your attention to the following post on tumblr  
> http://fahchaus.tumblr.com/post/144332250387/ichor-they-say-blood-of-the-gods-they-whisper
> 
> I honestly adore fahchaus's art


	5. Chapter 5

Gavin examined his fingers, expression dull.  
Small scratches ran up his fingers, like little ladders.  
He hadn't really ever taken much notice of them.  
'Gavin?' Jack spoke up, turning her attention from her conversation with Michael and Ray to Gavin, 'Are you okay? You've barely eaten.'  
"Yeah, I'm good,' replied Gavin, tearing his gaze away from his fingers to look up at Jack.  
'Is something wrong with your hands boi?' asks Michael, leaning forward to see.  
Automatically Gavin covered his scratched fingers with his other hand, 'No, nothing's wrong.'  
Michael shoved a chip in his mouth then reached other to ruffle Gavin's hair, Gavin almost cringed away but managed to prevent himself from doing so.  
'I'm bored of laying low,' complains Ray, nudging his glass of soda idly.  
'Geoff's been planning something,' notes Jack, 'You shouldn't be bored for too much longer.'  
Gavin perks up, 'Geoff is planning a sneaky lil heist?'  
'Not exactly sneaky, but it sure is a heist,' answers Jack with a sigh.  
  
  
-  
  
  
Gavin has been on the hunt for a place of his own.  
He doesn't necessarily need a mansion, just a small apartment, somewhere that's only his.  
He hadn't yet mentioned this to the rest of the crew, and felt anxiety stutter through his brain each time he thought of it.  
Geoff had owned his own place before starting the crew, had never had to announce anything, same with the place Ray and Jeremy owned, the pair had been living together simply because they couldn't afford to live apart. Now they kept the place for nostalgia.  
Everyone else had sold their own places and moved into the penthouse.  
He'd probably buy a new computer for his place, leave the computer he was using now at the penthouse.  
He couldn't imagine that he'd be at his new place all the time.  
There was a knock at the door, and Ryan came wandering in, immediately heading for the window.  
Gavin quietly watches the other from his desk, unwilling to say the first word.  
Finally, after several long minutes of silence, Ryan speaks, 'Have you been doing okay?' he asks, turning to Gavin, eyes narrowed thoughtfully.  
He almost cant think of what to say, but he forces a smile onto his face and answers, 'Yeah, of course I'm okay, Rye-bread.'  
Raising an eyebrow, Ryan approaches Gavin, lifting one of the younger males arms to show the pale bruises running up it, 'What's with all the bruises then?'  
'You know me, clumsy as always,' jokes Gavin, surprised at how little he wants to pull his arm away.  
Ryan seems to doubt this, but he doesn't comment on it, 'Just know that I'm here for you, all of the crew are,' uncharacteristically he ruffles Gavin's hair, then offers up a small smile before leaving the room.  
To Gavin's dismay, Ryan doesn't close the door properly, he stares at the door for several minutes before sighing and reluctantly standing to close the door.  
Resuming his search, Gavin can't help but wonder if the bruises were the only thing Ryan had noticed.  
Not there was much else to notice, Gavin examines his fingers idly, no one had ever commented on the scratches, and he doubts they ever will.  
He looks back at his computer screen, there's plenty of cheap shitty holes he could rent, none particularly appeal to him as of yet.  
He figures he'll take a few days to comb through things, not rush in and grab the first place he sees.  
There's another knock at the door and now Jeremy comes bouncing in, 'Ray and Michael sent me to grab you, they want to play x-box.'  
Gavin nods, 'Sounds top!' he exclaims, following Jeremy out of the room, making sure to shut the door properly.  
  
  
-  
  
  
Gavin sat gasping next to the toilet.  
He was dully aware of puke on his chin, but didn't have any particular interest in cleaning himself up.  
A part of him hoped he hadn't been in the bathroom too long, but a part of him supposed it didn't matter, it was late at night, no doubt everyone was asleep.  
But then, Ryan was known to be awake at odd hours due to his insomnia, and Ray sometimes stayed up late gaming.  
He hadn't seen anyone when he had been in the kitchen.  
Through how light headed Gavin felt, he also felt disgusted at how much food he'd devoured.  
At least he'd dealt with it.  
The puke smelled horrible. Gavin finally drew himself up onto his knees to flush it.  
He stood and stumbled over to the sink to splash water on his face, he examined his face idly, he looked like shit.  
Eyes tired, over all appearance haggard, and hair sticking up all over the place.  
He sighed and splashed his face once again, reaching for the glass they always left sitting in the bathroom.  
Gavin jumped as he heard a knock on the door, he glances at the mirror before going over to open it.  
'Are you sick? It sounded like you were throwing up,' questions Ryan, he moves to lean against the door frame now that the door is open, expression not saying much.  
A dim tremor of panic goes through Gavin, he stammers a few words for a couple of moments, then gives up and just sighs, offering Ryan a weak smile, 'Yeah, must have been something I ate.'  
A flicker of concern flits across Ryan's face, he wanders off, looking as if he expects Gavin to follow.  
The Brit does so rather reluctantly.  
Once in the kitchen, Ryan simply pours a glass of orange juice for Gavin, sliding it across the counter top.  
'Going back to bed anytime soon?' requests the older male.  
Gavin immediately shakes his head, he feels too floaty for sleep, and through the disgust at himself for the large binge he'd gone on, the air-headed feeling is comforting.  
It seems as if Ryan understands what he feels, but Gavin doubts he really does.  
'We can watch a movie?' suggests Ryan, there's a can of diet coke in his hand.  
Gavin can only nod in response, unable to find his voice.  
The pair wander over the where the TV is set up, Gavin curling up on one end of the couch.  
Ryan assesses the situation for a moment then leaves the room, returning with a large blanket, which he rests on the floor while he puts a movie on, neither of them particularly care about what the movie is.  
He settles on the other end of the couch, the blanket spread so it covers both of them.  
At least Gavin seems content, notes Ryan to himself, observing the other more so than watching the movie.  
The movie is only a low hum, and already Ryan isn't sure what's going on, he shrugs this off, content to simply have company, generally at this time of night he's alone with his thoughts, though he does feel a little bad that Gavin's only here due to feeling unwell.  
Ryan stretches his arms out above his head and glances at his companion, unsurprised to see that Gavin has nodded off.  
He smiles and turns the movie off, pulling his phone out to scroll through the different news apps.  
They had gone on a heist just earlier that day, usually they'd spend the night celebrating, but the heist hadn't gone completely well, and everyone had been exhausted.  
Gavin especially, notes Ryan to himself now as he thinks back on the memory.  
There's certainly news on their latest heist, and much to Ryan's surprise, one article includes a picture of Gavin, taken just as they had been leaving the building.  
In the picture, Gavin isn't looking at the camera, rather looking over his shoulder at someone else.  
Even in the picture Gavin looks haggard, Ryan sighs but doesn't wake Gavin, this is definitely something they'll have to deal with, but not right now.  
The news article that includes the picture rambles a little too much, speculating on Gavin's identity.  
In his sleep, Gavin stretches out on the spot, evidently not finding his curled up position very comfortable.  
Ryan smiles at the sight, and starts sending messages to the right people, he may as well get started covering up the Brits mistake now, to save them all more work later.  
He quietly notes to himself that he needs to double check that Gavin is wearing a mask on their next heist.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My rude hands are trying to turn this into a RyanxGavin fic  
> Why

Covering Gavin's little slip up turns out to be rather easy, but the Brit is still told to lay low for a few days much to his disappointment, as he had been hoping he'd be able to go out and see some of the apartments he was considering.  
Currently Ryan was regarding the bathroom door with a look of concern, he had just heard the sound of throwing up, and now the shower was going.  
He was pretty sure it was Gavin in there.  
Was the other male coming down with something?  
Michael wandered over, slapping a hand onto the Vagabond's shoulder, 'Something wrong?'  
'Thought I heard Gavin throwing up,' he replies, sounding rather distant.  
Michael blinks then shrugs, 'He has a weak stomach.'  
'I guess,' concedes Ryan.  
'Lindsay's been introducing me to some of her friends,' notes Michael to Ryan, 'One of them wants to meet Gavin.'  
Ryan feels rather like he's being observed, like Michael is waiting for him to react, 'Sounds nice,' is all he says.  
'Her names Meg,' mentions Michael.  
Something in Ryan's mind stirs, he's heard that name, 'Meg Turney?'  
Michael blinked in confusion, 'you've met?'  
'A couple of times on odd jobs.'  
'Interested in her?' Michael seems mystified.  
Ryan shakes his head slowly, still feeling concern for Gavin in the pit of his stomach, 'You should introduce her to Gavin, he'll like her.'  
There's a knock at the door and Michael perks up, almost bounding over to the door, he opens it and Lindsay comes ambling in, looking pleased to be here.  
Gavin emerges from the bathroom, apparently having heard the front door, he notices Lindsay immediately and trails after Lindsay and Michael into the living room, chattering to Lindsay excitedly.  
Lindsay seems to easily keep up with the chattering, her own hands moving as she replies.  
A part of Ryan is happy to see Gavin is unphased by his earlier vomiting.  
He follows the three into the living room anyway, claiming a seat in the corner of the room where he can watch both the TV screen and the people playing it.  
It doesn't take long for Ryan's thoughts to wander, and soon he's lost in his own thoughts and almost entirely unaware of his surroundings.  
He isn't really sure how long he's daydreaming for, but he comes to to the feel of Gavin's hand on his arm, the Brit looking slightly amused.  
Ryan looks around immediately, noting Lindsay's absence, 'Lindsay left,' he notes.  
'You've been out of it for like, six hours,' Gavin crinkles his nose at Ryan.  
'Oh.'

 

-

 

Gavin looks pale and clammy, is the first thing Ryan notes on returning to the penthouse almost immediately after a job.  
They've all been picking up small jobs while the B-Team does all the bigger heists.  
All except Gavin, who has still been staying low, despite the fact it's been weeks, and he was only instructed to stay low for a few days.  
'Are you okay?' asks Ryan, touching Gavin's elbow lightly.  
Gavin starts at his touch, lashes brushing his cheek as he blinks, and looks up at Ryan, 'Oh, yeah, just waiting for Meg,' he pauses, 'We're going out to dinner.'  
'Sounds nice,' notes Ryan, wandering over to the fridge to grab himself a diet coke, he offers one to Gavin, who surprisingly accepts.  
The Brit nods in reply, 'Yeah, I think Meg wants to be more than friends, but,' Gavin shrugs, 'I don't know what I want yet.'  
'Fair enough, I don't think you need to rush to know what you want,' answers Ryan, sipping at his drink and leaning against the counter.  
'Yeah, but I just don't want to waste her time,' Gavin looks away from the window he had been staring at, to Ryan, 'She's a lovely girl, she deserves better than me.'  
'I'm sure she does,' jokes Ryan, 'But she apparently wants you, so that has to say something.'  
'That she has low standards?' suggests Gavin in reply.  
Ryan snorts, 'No, you're a great guy however much I might say the opposite, she'd be lucky to have you.'  
In return, Gavin makes a face rather than replying verbally, Ryan takes this to mean the conversation is over.  
He watches Gavin meander over to the door to answer it, Meg immediately hugs Gavin, greeting him fondly, she spies Ryan over Gavin's shoulder, 'Ryan!' she greets loudly so he can hear, 'I didn't know you'd be here,' she hugs him also, Ryan almost feels the need to be careful, like she might break.  
Meg gives him an odd look but doesn't comment, she has a large purse on one arm, she looks to Gavin, gaze expectant, 'Ready to go?'  
'Of course,' chirps Gavin, taking her free hand in his own, Ryan shuts the door behind the couple, and returns to leaning against the bench, gazing out the window to see the people below on the street.  
From here everyone is ants, and Ryan feels a stir of jealousy towards Ray, aware the sniper could shoot any one of those people from here.  
Ryan was a bit of a jack of all trades, never quite mastering any skill.  
He noticed that he was now the only one home and hummed idly to himself, going over to the TV, may as well use this time to get some achievements.  
He was surprised to note that Gavin was still logged in, but shrugged, logging out so he could log into his own account.  
The penthouse was pleasantly quiet without the other six around.


	7. Chapter 7

Ray isn't sure when he started feeling the desire to leave the crew.  
But the feeling sure is strong right now, and he isn't sure he can resist the urge just to fall off the building.  
He had always thought the only way out of the crew was death.  
He should probably talk to someone about it.  
In the distance he can see cars speeding about, he raises he rifle to squint through the scope, whoever is in the speeding cars, they aren't people he knows.  
Ray isn't sure he can talk about it.  
Not that he's ever tried.  
Jack would certainly be willing to listen, but he isn't sure he could stand seeing her eyebrows crease in concern.  
She would probably put a hand on his arm and say something like, 'Whatever you need, we're here for you, Ray.'  
If Geoff knew, he would probably be frustrated, maybe even a little irrational.  
The leader of their ever growing little crew isn't always the most clear headed.  
Sometimes Ray wonders how their crew ever made it.  
He reluctantly leaves the rooftop, heading back inside the penthouse.  
Gavin is home of course, he seems to be hanging around more and more often, more inclined to turn down jobs, less enthused to heist.  
Maybe Ray should be feeling concerned, he's heard the other male throwing up a couple of times, seen the way the other lads' hips jut out when Gavin's shirt lifts as he stretches.  
But Ray is seeing the world through a thick fog, and it's dizzying enough to look at his own problems.  
Someone else can worry about Gavin for now.  
In fact, someone else does worry about Gavin, Ray sees how Ryan keeps an eye out for Gavin more than any of the rest of them, has seen how Lindsay is included in more and more jobs that have Gavin in them.  
Michael himself doesn't express any concern in the least, not beyond his general caring for Gavin.  
He has to face it, Ray is an outsider when it comes to this crew.  
Ray fetches a can of energy drink from the fridge, glad for the fact the fridge is always kept well stocked.  
A loud sigh escapes him once he makes it to his room, flopping backwards onto his bed.  
The apartment he shared with Jeremy is always an option, Ray muses to himself, perhaps he'd feel better if he were away from the crew for a while.  
In some ways he misses how he used to live.  
But he can't deny the fact he's a lot safer here, no one messes with the Fake AH Crew.

 

-

 

It's a surprise when the words leave his mouth.  
He hadn't been expecting to say anything, sitting here in the silence with Jack.  
The pair had agreed to go pick up takeout for all of them.  
Ray had gone along simply to assist in carrying the food.  
'I think I'll end up killing myself if I stay in this crew.'  
The words feel heavy in the air almost immediately, Jack almost slams the car to a halt but manages to control her reaction, instead she glances at Ray, eyes wide.  
He's fully aware his face shows no emotion as he looks back at her.  
Jack's tone is careful when she speaks, 'Why?'  
'Everything is all the same,' answers Ray, gazing out the window, rather than watching Jack's reactions, 'I'm tired of killing people, the heists aren't thrilling anymore, nothing's fun, just more of the same.'  
'Killing yourself seems like an extreme reaction to boredom,' notes Jack, but Ray can still hear concern in her voice.  
Ray shrugs, 'I think I've been suicidal for a long time, but all this boredom just gives me more room to think about it.'  
'I'm glad you decided to talk to me about this, Ray,' Jack's voice sounds more firm now, 'The whole crew cares about you, Ray, but if you need to leave, then we'll try to understand, I do want you to be happy.'  
Anxiety squirms in Ray's stomach, but Jack's words are at least a little comforting, he does notice how she says, 'Try to understand,' rather than something more solid.  
They arrive at the first fast-food place, Ray waits in the car, only Jeremy and Lindsay like food from here, no doubt Jack can handle it.  
The rest of the journey is mostly silent.  
Meg comes down to help them when they get back, Ray isn't sure what to think of Meg, he isn't sure it matters either, regardless of what he said, Meg was only here because of her interest in Gavin, and friendship with Michael and Lindsay.  
Gavin's expression seems strange at the sight of all the food, they've ordered the same thing Gavin always gets for him, and if it could be considered a large amount of food Ray isn't sure he cares.  
While Gavin is quiet, Meg engages willingly and rather excitedly in conversation with the crew, she makes it clear that she knows Ryan and has worked with him, and in turn, Ryan makes it clear he isn't romantically interested in her.  
Ray barely eats, his mind still on his conversation with Jack, at the back of his mind he notices that Gavin disappears quietly into the furthest away bathroom, that the Brit turns up the music on the stereo before he goes. He doesn't spend any time thinking of this.  
Ryan notices immediately when Gavin leaves the room, he feels a stir of concern in his stomach, almost follows after the other male, but he doesn't, aware it might be considered strange, going after Gavin to the bathroom.  
Casting his gaze about the room, he notices that Michael is the one talking now, and that none of them have noticed that Gavin left.  
He files this information away, unsure if it's something that will ever prove to be useful.  
Ray sits peacefully in the corner, at least Ryan presumes peacefully, lately he has no idea what Ray has been thinking, seeing as Ray was always quiet, but he seems less inclined to talk than ever.  
With a sigh, Ryan tunes into the conversation, catching the end of the story Michael had been telling, Lindsay at his side, had been listening attentively, despite the fact she'd no doubt heard the story dozens of times.


	8. Chapter 8

The first time Gavin passes out in front of the Crew is during a heist.  
He wasn't even meant to be out in sight, but more police arrived than they expected, so Gavin was called forward from his computer to lend a hand.  
He feels his head spin as he's striding forward, going to Ryan's side.  
He sees black dots, and knows what is coming, but remains silent.  
'Gavin!' Ryan's voice interupts the air as Gavin's knees collapse.  
There's a breif moment when Gavin lies there on the ground, Ryan waits for a break in fire from the police before he's running to Gavin's side, where Gavin is already blinking blearily.  
'What happened?' questions Geoff in the coms, he sounds freaked out, but like he's trying to continue his part of the heist. They had plans in case of the death of a crew member, but had never expected to use them.  
'I'm fine,' Gavin forces the words out, allows Ryan to help him to his feet.  
Ryan shakes his head, keeps a hand on Gavin's arm, 'He passed out for a moment there,' he reports to Geoff.  
'Passed out?' questions Jack, concern in her voice, she's willing to speak now that she knows Gavin's alive. She hated how her heart had fluttered when she had thought Gavin was dead for that second.

Ryan nods then remembers they can't see him, forces himself to speak up, 'Yeah, I'm getting him out of here, change of plans.'

Geoff groans but doesn't protest, Ray moves position to cover the gap Ryan and Gavin have left.

To their surprise they manage to get away without anyone following them.

They head straight for one of the safe houses.  
Gavin feels dizzy as he clings to Ryan on the motorbike, he tries to recall when he last ate.

He isn't entirely sure, isn't sure he cares.

Maybe he'll die.

They arrive and Ryan almost drags Gavin inside, he doesn't look at Gavin, just heads straight to the kitchen.

'What are you doing?' asks Gavin from where he's been dumped at the dining room table.

'Making eggs,' replies Ryan, he doesn't look at Gavin as he cooks.

Gavin frowns, 'Why?'

'You obviously need to eat, you passed out.'

Gavin wants to protest, say he's not hungry, say he just wants to sleep.

Concern swirls in his stomach for his crew, and he keeps himself quiet, aware that Ryan is probably just as worried.

The eggs are placed in front of Gavin, and he finds himself unable to speak as he stares at the food before him.

He picks up the fork and prods at it, he doesn't want this.

Ryan's phone rings, he leaves the room to answer it, Gavin finds himself hoping it's the rest of their crew.

He shoves some of his eggs into the bin while he's alone in the room.

Moments later Ryan strides back into the room, 'Everyone's fine, they're at a different safe house,' he informs Gavin, settling into a seat across from him.

Gavin nods, relieved to hear this at least.

'Did you want something to drink?' offers Ryan after watching Gavin silently shuffle food around his plate for several moments.  
'Yeah, thanks.'  
Ryan stands in one fluid movement, he selects a clear glass much to Gavin's disappointment.

Gavin reluctantly chews at a piece of egg when he realizes he wont be getting out of this, he doesn't touch the glass of water when it's placed next to him.

'We could stay here the night while the police are out looking,' explains Ryan, 'Meet up with the others in the morning.'

'Sure,' agrees Gavin, unsure that he really has a choice.

He finishes his eggs, he dislikes the way it feels in his stomach, wants to go get it out.

'I'm going to have a shower,' Gavin stands.

Ryan stops him with a hand on his arm, 'No hot water here, let's watch a movie in the living room.'

Gavin squirms on the spot, it'd be suspicious if he insisted on going to the bathroom still.

'We can watch your favourite movie if you like,' offers Ryan, leading the other male into the living room, apparently calm from what Gavin can tell.

'Sounds good,' agrees Gavin, they gather pillows from the different bedrooms, make themselves nests in the living room.

Ryan keeps an eye on Gavin, he's definitely trying to keep the other in sight, he's nearly entirely sure that Gavin would puke up the eggs if given a moment alone.

He tries to keep his expression calm, like he's not worried. He'd rather Gavin not realize he's suspicious just yet.

The room is dark in a comforting way, the buzz of the movie is just background noise to Ryan, he's never cared much for movies, but Gavin seems entirely invested in the happenings on the screen.

Eventually Ryan is the first one to nod off, much to Gavin's surprise.

He hadn't expected to be able to stay up longer than Ryan, who on occasion, will go days without sleeping.

 

 

-

 

 

Ray stares blankly out the window, he hates that he's still here.

He feels sick, he can only blame himself really.

He could have left the crew weeks ago.

The crew had piled into the living room on arriving at the safe house, to count out what they had earned.

Instead of joining them, Ray had quietly taken himself to one of the more empty rooms.

It only had a single bed, the matress wasn't even good, and everyone always avoided it.

Basically, it'd be the last place anyone would check for him.

He should probably be concerned for Gavin, it wasn't often one of their own passed out mid-heist like that.

But instead of concern, all he could feel was jealousy.

The crew had all been so concerned when they had thought Gavin might have been injured, or even killed, Jack hadn't even been able to speak, Ray had seen the look on her face.

They wouldn't feel this concern for him, at least he doubts they would.

He also feels guilt, it's horrible of him, to be jealous when something could be wrong with Gavin.

Ray sighs loudly, continues to stare out the window.

Wishes he could bring himself to leave.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *shrugs* I still exist

When Ryan comes to, he can hear the sound of someone puking.  
His mind is still groggy from sleep as he follows the sound; it's definitely Gavin in the bathroom.  
He leans against the wall next to the door, doesn't speak, waits instead.  
Moments later the door swings open, Gavin stumbles out, he doesn't notice Ryan immediately.  
'Are you okay?' asks Ryan, concerned, he automatically reaches out to help the other male stand.  
Gavin blinks in confusion at the sight of Ryan, 'how long have you been there?' he asks.  
'Not long,' Ryan guides Gavin back to the living room, 'do you need water?'  
'Oh, uh, sure,' Gavin's voice is kind of raspy, he watches as Ryan leaves the room.  
The sun is just beginning to rise, Gavin stands again, moves over to open the curtains.  
The street seems quiet, but Gavin is aware things could turn to chaos within moments.  
But he does doubt that it will turn to chaos on this particular morning.  
Ryan reenters the room, passes a glass of water to Gavin.  
Nodding his thanks, Gavin gulps the water down, eager to get it over and done with.  
The water is soothing on his throat.  
'Breakfast?' offers Ryan, gaze firmly on Gavin.  
Gavin shakes his head, 'We should meet up with the rest of the crew,' he says, walking back to the kitchen to return the glass.  
Ryan hesitates, but agrees after a moment, the pair head outside.  
Remembering how they got here, Gavin almost backtracks, he doesn't particularly like the thought of clinging to Ryan as they roar through the city.  
The taller male passes a helmet to Gavin, raising an eyebrow as he does.  
Clambering onto the motorbike behind Ryan, Gavin cast one last look around before they sped off.  
The buildings seemed to fly by, Gavin almost wanted to tell Ryan to slow down, so he could look at the faces clearly as they passed by.  
He wondered if any of the people populating the streets were even taking any notice of them speeding by.  
Probably not.  
They arrived at a large appartment complex, one of Gavin's less favourite safe houses.  
Jack was the first one to look up when they entered, then she was by Gavin's side, a hand light on his arms, 'Gavin! How do you feel?' she lead him over to a couch, pratically forcing him to sit, 'have you eaten? I can cook something.'  
Gavin went to anwer, but Ryan spoke first, 'He hasn't eaten, I'm sure he'd love some of your cooking,' Ryan flashed a smile at Jack.  
For half a moment, Jack looked confused, then she gave an answering smile and wandered over to the kitchen.  
Ray sat perched at the bench, he watched everyone with an almost bored look, leg bouncing up and down.  
His nails on either hand were digging into the palms of his hands, he felt the slightest bit of blood.  
He wanted to touch the white walls, smear his blood across them and leave.  
Leave a mark, leave people behind.  
Ray watches as Gavin moves his food around his plate idly, the precious golden boy, Ray almost sneers, he knows he doesn't hate Gavin, but he can't help but feel a little bitter towards the lad.  
He unclenches his fist, looks at the blood with dull interest, clenches his fists again, unclenches them, flexes his hands. Blood flakes off.  
Ignoring the sight of Gavin now shoving the food into his mouth as fast as he can, Ray quietly leaves, his feet barely make a sound, the door doesn't squeak as he slips out.  
He wonders if it was like he was never there.  
Is he supposed to feel this broken?  
Gavin immediately stands to head for the bathroom once he's inhaled as much food as he can, before he can reach for the door handle, there's a grip on his arm, just above his elbow.  
A whine almost escapes him as Gavin turns to see Ryan.  
There's something to Ryan's eyes that Gavin can't read, isn't sure he wants to read, he doesn't say anything, just stays still, head tilted back so he can meet the other's gaze.  
There's several long moments of silence and Gavin wonders if Ryan can hear how loud his heart is pounding.  
'Come sit with me,' Ryan speaks first.  
Gavin blinks in confusion, discomfort at how full his stomach is momentarily forgotten, it's all he can do to simply say, 'eh?' tone questioning, tone confused.  
'Come sit with me.'  
The repetition of the sentence doesn't clarify anything, Gavin now tugs against Ryan's grip-It doesn't loosen in the slightest- swallowing, he says, 'I need to use the bathroom.'  
Ryan simply shakes his head, indicates with his free hand, 'I think you should come sit with me, I can tell you a story.'  
Interest stirs in the pit of Gavin's stomach, he almost allows himself to be pulled away from the bathroom.  
Jack notices them, 'What are you doing?' she asks, confused, 'Let him go to the bathroom, Ry.'  
There's reluctance to Ryan's gaze as he releases Gavin's arm and stomps off.  
Jack exchanges a confused look with Gavin, then the brit disappears into the bathroom.  
Ryan quietly sits in the room next to the bathroom, he leans against the wall the two rooms share, lightly shaking, Gavin has the tap running as always, but under that Ryan can hear the sounds of purging.  
A part of him wants to cover his ears and block it out, but he can't, he listens and fears that there's nothing he'll ever be able to do.


	10. Chapter 10

I was going to write a new chapter  
But then  
I just sorta tried to draw Gavin instead  
  



End file.
